DUCHESS OF WRIGLEYSVILLE ARRESTED FOR DISORDERLY CONDUCT TODAY, MAY 3, 2011

(This event ACTUALLY occured in time and space.

The writer of this blog never needs to go to her own "dream spot."

Inspiration for posts just "happens" to this pathetic victim.)

"On Tuesday, May 3, 2011, the honorable Duchess of Wrigleysville was arrested for disorderly conduct on public property at the Marriott Conference Center in Racine, Wisconsin.  The Duchess has been incarcerated in the Racine City Jail's holding cell. "  Quote from the The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.



(County Mug Shots courtesy of the Racine Police Department)

Those words, my fellow graveling, gorging, global grammas, have been the nemesis of my soul for this whole week.

Do you have any interest in the account of what happened?  It doesn't matter, because you're getting the scoop whether you want or not.  

Picture the morning:  It is Tuesday and Wrigley and I have been "holed" up (my choice, btw) in the hotel room for three straight days while Mr. Bigshot is conducting meetings in a nearby town.  We are getting ready to check out, move dog food to the car, haul a crate to same vehicle, not to mention all my stuff.  I am dressed "to the nine's" for an important celebratory event at my beloved's institution.  So, of course, I'm late and the maid is becoming an annoyance.

For the third time, she bangs on my door letting me know check-out was 20 minutes earlier.  I walk to the door, still chained, and open a creak to whisper, "I'll be out in just a few!"  As soon as my words leave my mouth I spot movement in my periphery vision of a blenheim spot moving down the hall.  THE DUCHESS OF WRIGLESVILLE HAS ESCAPED!!                                                                                       

Do you realize how many hallways are in the Racine Conference Center????  It is a maze of hundreds of rooms and corresponding hallways.  And I swear the Duchess is not only "lightning" fast, but she has earned a PHD in geometry!!   Her determined defiance enabled her to split off at precise angles in which my 62-year old body was incapable of twisting.  I have provided a diagram of what this looked like for 20 MINUTES!  I am represented by the RED arrow, the Duchess by the BLUE:

I was chasing, and chasing, and chasing.  I became dizzy as I was running and turning corners.  Seriously, I had no idea where I was at certain points in this menagerie.  At one point, armpits "pitted out," I found myself in the hotel LOBBY, for goodness sake.  I was panting, "Please help me catch her!" to blurred humans I passed.  THEY DIDN'T EVEN ACT LIKE THEY CARED!!!  What is this world coming to?  (This dark question is still haunting me and feeding my depression!)

After passing the lobby, the dog (all endearments are temporarily inactive) bolted in a corridor.  My brilliant creativity kicked in.  SHUT HALLWAY DOOR and contain her.  A divine moment, a glimpse of a bygone dog training book showed up in my memory bank.  "When these situations occur, lie down and play dead!!"

I dropped to the ground, spread eagle as if my heart DID truly give out, squinting to see 50 feet ahead of me.  THE DOG took one look, turned 180 degrees and pranced down to check out another pathway.   I realized this was not working, and just as if my life were passing before me, I reached the path of acceptance: "I am gonna lose my canine love interest."

That's it, girls.  I finally lured her into the pop machine room with treats I frantically found in my room.  I grabbed her right there and haven't talked baby talk to her since.

I wish this was a made-up part of the story.  But I have ACTUALLY been in tears over this experience......FOR REAL!!!! 

My final psychiatric evaluation is this week.

                              

WILD 'N CRAZY GRANDMA ATTENDS ROYAL WEDDING IN WEE MORNING HOURS

All week long I have been giddy with excitement about Will and Kate's wedding.  The only problem is that I had to celebrate with me, myself and I.  I invited my whole friendship list and nobody wanted to come over at 4:45 am!  Go figure! 

Please take a moment of silence and allow us to honor the British royalty, Prince William and Catherine Middleton!!!  All I gotta say is that William so outshines

his father in the "looks" department, and Kate is one gorgeous, poised beauty!  I venture to say she will become a fashion icon like Diana.

But back to my party.  I awoke with energetic, anticipatory expectation!!!  My alarm went off at 4:45 a.m., and after a few dozes of three minutes each, I arose!

I bounced into the kitchen for a cup of the best coffee on the globe:  Gevalia's Dark Roast.  I waved the Mother Queen's flag and drank out of London's coffee cup!  To honor Kate and William, of course!!!

I know this is really pathetic, but I so wanted to be a princess, too!  Maybe this is going a little far (like certifiable!), but what the heck!!  Here is my orange juice toast to princesses everywhere, but mostly to Princess Catherine and her Prince, William!!!!

To the newly married royals!!!  We wish you God's best as Prince and Princess of England!!!  Hear, hear!!!



CRAZY GRANDMA'S BOOK OF THE YEAR!!!!

THIS IS THE

 FINEST BOOK ON LOSS I HAVE READ!



As I have shared with all of you, your wild n' crazy grandma has had some bumps and bruises this past year with life's intermittent companion, Loss.  Do you know this fellow, Loss?  Many times when we pass through these valleys, we receive platitudes from friends, counselors, even books.  Some understate our suffering, giving us guilt.  Others mutter hurtful fix-it-uppers because they know no better.

A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser (Zondervan) is an exception to the above.  This author, a theology professor at Whitworth College, was traveling with his wife, four children, and his visiting mother to Utah for a pow-wow with a Native American Reservation in 1991.  On their way home, Jerry was driving the family in their van when a drunken driver hit them head-on, killing Jerry's wife, his four-year old daughter, and his mother.  The book gives his story of how he dealt with the loss.

Professor Sittser asked questions like:  How could a loving God permit something like this? Is there a God?  If God allowed this, what other evil will He allow in my life?  Can my life ever be normal again?  What about God's sovereignty? 

His search into the nature of reality, God, family, and healing is an honest, emotionally sensible, and rational approach to a difficult subject yet easily understandable for the average reader.

At this present time, the book is being read for the second time by yours truly because I could not assimilate all the nuggets through a one-time read.  I hope this book may help any of you who are struggling with the ramifications of loss.  God bless!

THE QUESTION EVERY WOMAN ASKS!

This year has been something else!!  STRESS to the max!  Remember when I shared that I twirl my hair when I am nervous??  I also EAT.  So I have a problemmo.  I have gained weight, I munch without consciously being aware of it, and I binge.  YUP, me is telling yous de trufe!

And here it is, folks, the question every woman asks, is (drum roll please): 

         DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS OUTFIT???

Honey Hubbie, does this outfit make me look fat?

Honey, I don't remember these pants feeling this way a few months ago!

It happened so fast, seriously!  Stress came in and the pounds came on big time.  Just a few months ago, I felt so skinny!!!  

  Honey, do you remember the night this picture was taken?

Ok, girls, I am on the journey to lose weight.  I was at the gym early this morning and glided in my eliptical for 40 minutes.  The machine registered 400 calories burned off!  My goal is 2 pounds a week going bye-bye!!

JERBLO PIBLASSO

Meet my oldest son, "Jerblo Piblasso."  I have renamed him after the famous cubist painter of the last century.  Mark my words, your grandchildren will learn all about his life when they sign up for their "Art History" class in college.

Gaze into his cubist work.  Revel in the tones of color.  Appreciate the artist.

Written by his mother:).

THE SOPHISTICATED, CLASSY GRANDMOTHER

Who doesn't want to have the air of sophistication, poise, class?  As we age, we desire to be models to our grandchildren in these three areas.  These past three weeks, the wild and crazy grandma has been the modele extraordinaire!!   And what is ultra stupendous is that I had no prior intentions of proving my class or sophistication to ANYONE.

We were scurrying around our Midwest home packing for a trip down south.  In preparation, I was completing necessary office work fervently, pens stuck behind my ears and pencils hanging out of my mouth.  I was the look of efficiency.

Mid-afternoon and 30 minutes out of having to leave for the airport, I looked down at my right hand.  Upon first glance, I let out a horrifying groan.....it appeared to be bright red BLOOD!  I'm dying right before my eyes!!!  I took hold of my nerves and peeked again at the gruesome hand.  Awww shucks, it was only red ink!!  Silly me for panicking and jumping to conclusions.  I noticed the ink also was on the knee of my blue jeans.  Where in the world did this come from???  Then I remembered my valiant work on bill payments, and I remembered using a red ink pen.  Upon examination, the pen, lying on the lamp table by the recliner, was losing blood fast and in critical condition.  There was no chance of resuscitation, so I carried the pen to the wastebasket, said a few kind words about the life the pen had led, and tossed him into the can.

Within a few hours we were boarding a 757 in Atlanta, Georgia.  We were in the back, as in LAST, row.  248 people were going to keep us hostage before we could deplane.   Bummer.  As I was sitting in that last seat, I took in a deep breath and tried to relax after all the turmoil of preparing to get off.  When I am tense, I twirl my hair.  Guess what?  I twirled my hair on the right back side of my head.  As I moved my hair, all of a sudden, it felt clumpy, snarly, and stiff.  I tried to pull the hairs to smooth it and, looking down at my hand, again I was once again playing the mangled, bloody hand bit part of this crazy play!   Because the stinky bathroom was one giant step away from my seat, I jumped up and went into it, closed the door, and looked at myself in horror!!!  The collar on my white blouse had magically changed color to RED!   The realization that what was infiltrated in and through all the back quarter of my head was RED INK brought a myriad of emotions.  Anger because I had ruined a good and expensive blouse from Von Maur's and hysterical laughter because I had been parading through the Atlanta International Airport with this glob of red ink on the back of my head.

Before we took off, I feverishly tried taking out all the airplane's towels and attempted to blot out all the ink.  NO DEAL.  Water didn't work.  I decided it was not fair to all the 248 passengers to take all their towels, so I went back into my seat and tried combing it out.  Within a half-hour, I could at least comb through it.  But, let me tell you, red was all over my pants, my hands, and the back of my head.

Ending of the story?  Well, yours truly looks like a punk rocker.  Yes, I used alcohol but that didn't even take it all out.  I have bright pink punk rocker hair.  My grandkids think I'm the coolest grandma in town.  I even had a lady at the hospital stop me and tell me how much she liked my hair.  She thought I had dyed it for "Breast Cancer Awareness" month!!  Several younger girls said, "I really like your hair!!!"  NOW THAT, GRANDMAS, IS POISE, SOPHISTICATION, AND CLASS!!!

COPING WITH LOSS

Girls, at some point through our journey of grief, we wander upon a fork in the road:  we can turn left and drown in our misery, or we can venture to the right onto a path of fresh foliage, unexperienced smells, and draw in the oxygen of new life.

For myself, I veered to the right (just a wee bit!!) and entered my creative world.  This painting is a gift to one of my children.  I always viewed myself as a writer, but because I love the visual arts so well, I wanted to direct my hands into the world of painting.  This work was born out of my emotional center. I desired to express that in life, when mud is thrown in our face, we fall down seeing ourselves as dirty, unclean, and shameful.  But the cross of our Lord and the price that He paid bursts into an explosive energy and new life that unconditionally gives us the strength to create "New Beginnings."  Hence, the name of this piece!!

I am beginning to feel some of that craziness coming back.  Watch out, Grandmas!!