FRUSTRATED TRYING TO BE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE???????

       

FRUIT ROLL-UPS

I am a fruit roll-up in this crazy life

oozing with people, problems and strife.

With tugs from small hands the roll-up expands --

corner to corner colors swirl bland.

Aunt Maude pulls at me with her need for money.

Uncle Claude reminds me my joke wasn't funny.

Utility bills cry out to be paid!

I'm stretched to my limits and I am afraid!! 

Fruit roll-ups are eaten and I'm gobbled up

with others' demands, expectations....ENOUGH!

Just roll me back, put the wax paper around

and place in the box where I'll never be found!!!

by Grandma Barb 10/22/10

OK, I'm good now.....I can breathe, yeah!!!  Ever have to let off some of that negative steam??

Actually, I about fell off my chair laughing at my last line!!! 

I DON'T WANT TO BE "THE APRIL POSTER GIRL" FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was April 25, 2010.  My beloved was gone for the weekend.....he flew to Arizona so he was a long, long ways away.  It was a Sunday morning and I was getting ready to drive my 30-minute drive to church.  I had baked blueberry muffins the night before for our Adult Bible Fellowship.  Everything felt normal to me.  I had had a good night of sleep....just happy as a lark!  As I was getting dressed, I felt a pressure tightening in my chest.  I had felt this before so I just blew it off.  But it was a more extensive pressure over my whole chest area which did seem a little unusual.  I was picking up Grandma Mo so I just thought, "If this doesn't go away I'll go to the emergency room after I drop off my muffins."  Isn't it the strangest phenomenon that we women always put FOOD FIRST?????  As I was in the garage approaching my jeep, the pressure went into my neck and throat.  NOW I AM TROUBLED!!  But I did not want to worry my mother so I picked her up and we started toward the four-lane highway.  Before long, I confessed to my mom what was going on, stopped the car, and asked her to drive.  I instructed her to continue on to church AS I HAD TO DELIVER THOSE PRECIOUS BLUEBERRY MUFFINS!!  The grimaced look she gave me was one of disbelief.  Within 1 minute we were turning around and heading straight for the emergency room. 

I was in the middle of a HEART ATTACK!!!  Now I want you all to know something....this wild 'n crazy grandma is the epitome, the embodiment of a woman who exercises five days a week, 30 minutes a day, eats RABBIT FOOD 24/7, and DOES ALL THE STINKIN' RIGHT THINGS!!!!

             CARDIAC REHAB "APRIL POSTER GIRL"


Guess what I realized?  The Wild 'n Crazy Grandma is not really in control of her life.  But it seems like I always strive to be the "Manager of the Universe."  My Lord, thankfully, is in control of my life and all happenings in this universe!  I praise Him for the peace and hope and courage He gives me.  

Have you ever heard of the little five-year old boy who was afraid of the dark?  One night he woke up and called for his daddy.  "Daddy, I am scared to be alone in the dark!"  His daddy hurried into his room and said, "Tommy, why are you afraid?  Don't you know that Jesus is with you and will take care of you??"  Tommy's eyes opened wide as he looked up in his daddy's face and he said, "Yes, Daddy, but I want Jesus with skin on!"

That is what my heart's desire is for my dozen grandchildren.  I want to be "Jesus with skin on" as I listen to what is important to each of them.   I desire to love them as Jesus loves them.  I want to be an example of Christ and His Word with every ounce of my being!!

WHO IS THIS GUY? ? ?

UN-NAMED SUSPECT HOLDING THE WILD 'N CRAZY GRANDMA'S CARTER DAVID

An age-reversed Amber Alert is being issued for the above man.  He has been known or identified with the following aliases:

1.  The Hand.   Grandchildren in Pennsylvania, Iowa, and Arizona have fear of "The Hand."  The Hand strikes to tickle and cause frenetic panic as children scatter to closets, under beds and behind bushes outside!  Squeals from the little girls, especially, shriek throughout homes in these states.  Grandboys, likewise, scatter as The Hand challenges their manhood.  In reality, child psychologists have diagnosed the resulting disorder of The Hand as "Subconscious Anticipation and Joy Upon the Arrival of the Aforementioned Phenomena."

2.  The Airport Suitcase Bandito.  This man has been identified in the Des Moines, Iowa Airport, the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Airport, the Washington D.C. Airport as the guy who races through the terminals pulling his suitcases with squealing, delighted children seated atop, holding on for their dear lives!  Screams of "Do it again, Grandpa, please!!!!" resonate throughout the corridors as other passengers look on with disgust or humored pleasure.  Airport security has his number and all airports are on the look for this guy!

3.  Hulk Hogan (?).  Well, this might be a stretch, but his Grandkids don't really care!  He has been known as the "peace of the house DISRUPTER!"  There are records of numerous police reports of frantic mothers and (yes, yours truly) grandmothers claiming this guy is a domestic problem.  He can work kids into a crazy tornado of bodies flailing, fingernails scratching, and teeth biting as they endeavor to overtake Hulk in the wrestling match of the century.  The Lord bless him, those kids do love him!!!

4.  The Guy with the Money.  A financial investigation is currently underway at various Chuckie Cheese's, McDonalds, Toys R Us,  Ben Franklin's and Casey's.  Records reveal that this guy pictured with Carter seems to spend an inordinate amount of  moolah at these various retailers.  (Interestingly, the parents of grandchildren are endeavoring to block this investigation as they, quite frankly, don't give a rip with his excessive spending.  They unabashedly confess they rather like it!)  This guy apparently has a severe psychological condition that canNOT say "No" to those sweet little voices imploring, "Please, Grandpa, please!!!!"

5.  The Love of My Life!!!.  Well, I gotta tell ya.....this guy's legal name is Bill, my husband of 40 years!!!  He is a godly man who loves the Lord, and I love him more today than I did 40 years ago.  I am so thankful for his help in the journey of grandparenting.  He is adored by all 12 of our kids for more reasons than I have just listed above.  Grandpa "Bill" is the greatest.

GRETA GARBO? CLARK GABLE? BRAD PITT? HOW'S ABOUT THE WIGGLES??????

                                          YEAH!!  IT'S MOVIE NIGHT!!!


All twelve of my kids love "Movie Night."  They love to go down to our "theater" room and grab a fuzzy, warm blanket and cuddle up with Grandma or Grandpa for a good flick!!  It has to be in this room for some reason and Grandma MUST pop some popcorn!!

                                          THE THEATER ROOM


I hold so many good memories of my brood and I watching movies like "Anne of Green Gables," Tarzan," "Lion King," "Simon Birch," "Snow White," "Cinderella," "Peter Pan," "Alice in Wonderland," "The Wizard of Oz," the list goes on and on!!  And I ask myself, why are these times so special???  Maybe it is those parts of, for example, in "Tarzan," when baby Tarzan winces his one eye and makes an "eeee" sound and the kids and I laugh so hard we have to play it over and over!!!!  Or maybe it is the sad times when Simon Birch dies and we have to discuss the realities of life together....taking the fear out of their little minds!!  Or could it be in "The Wizard of Oz" when the witch flies around and my 4 and 5 year olds move in and cuddle for reassurance that Grandma will make them safe???

I guess "Movie Night," in the final analysis, brings us closer together, opens up communication, affirms that time spent with each other is really what relationships are all about!!!  Yes sir-eeee!!!  The wild 'n crazy grandma will never, EVER regret these sweet times together!!!!



                                                   

MY BIG BOMB .... CAMP GRANDMA!!!!

                                              THE GREAT COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF!!!


If ya all think everything always goes well for the wild 'n crazy grandma, THINK AGAIN!!!  OK, here's the deal.  Matt and Carey dials me up on the 'ole phone in March of 2008 and says, "Our two poor chillen's  don't have no place to stay while we's go to a Four Seasons Luxury Hotel in Venzuela for several days.  You'n don think ya'll can take care of them poor lit'l ones?????"  Of course, being the confident, all-together woman that I am, I assert, "BRING IT ON!!!!  I'M GONNA GET THESE KIDS STRAIGHTENED OUT THE GOOD OLD FASHIONED WAY!!!  WE IS GONNA HAVE CAMP, LEARN HOW TO LIVE OFF THE LAND!  LEARN HOW TO KILL DEM POSSUM AND COONS.....SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST TECHNIQUES OF WHICH I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTH'N BOUT!!!!

As soon as Lauren and Carter arrive for this structured, disciplined week, I hand them orange "Camp Grandma" shirts, survival bags, and hats for sun protection.  With whistle around my neck, I instruct them to line up behind me and begin marching out to the back yard.  Registration first takes place with Laura Berkner greeting them outside.  We begin our morning work-out accompanied by "Bum, Bum Bum Bum Bumblebee"!  What fun I am having!!!  This is great!!!!  I'm the BEST gramma ever!!!!!

THEN, I LOOK AT THEM CHILDREN'S FACES:  FALLEN COUNTENANCES, TEARS IN EYES, SHOULDERS SLUMPED, AND LAUREN'S NEXT WORDS:  "Grandma, do we HAVE to go to Camp Grandma???"

I think about all the preparation for this FUN week!!!  I start to choke up at the thought of not being able to sing "I Know a Chicken."  And then Grandma's DARK SIDE COMES SLITHERING OUT.....do these kids know how much WORK I've done to make them HAPPY?  Making "Camp Grandma" shirts, bags, collecting songs, preparing the mess hall, for goodness sake?????????????  AND THEN TO THINK THEY'LL NEVER KNOW ABOUT THE AMERICAN RED-BREASTED ROBIN!!!!!!  Now tears come to MY eyes!

Now, y'all, dont ya worry about the wild 'n crazy lady in the "Camp Grandma" shirt.  She done get herself through all dem tears and bawlin.  She sat with her therpist and spilled it all out!!  The grief is past....the future is bright, and she done learn one thing:  SHE AIN'T NEAR AS SMART AS SHE RECKONED HERSELF TO BE!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen: From the Land of Imagination: SUZEE ! ! !

THE SUZEE ROOM!!!

Two years into my grandma days, all of a sudden Suzee appeared!!  Ashlan, a toddler, was up at Grandma and Grandpa's house quite often.  During those days, I have a vivid memory of the moment when Suzee was born.  Ashlan and I were sitting on our bed with the white fluffy comforter.  I looked into her sweet little face  and asked her, "Would you like Grandma to tell you a special story?  A story about a little girl, I'm sure she was two years old just like you!"  Her eyes enlarged, her attention fixed!  "Well,  this little girl had brown hair, brown eyes, and her name was (at this moment my brain, throat and tongue created "Suzee") Suzee!!"  Now, mind you, I had no idea where this story was going!  THIS IS THE BEAUTY OF SUZEE STORIES -- YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY'RE ABOUT!!!!  The very first Suzee story was about a little toddler who played in the woods and discovered a family of rabbits.  Suzee and the gray, white-tailed baby rabbit became fast friends.  They danced in the woods, They played "Ring Around the Rosie."  Ashlan was hooked, and I had hoped I had instilled solid morals to the drama!  Obviously, as more grandchildren arrived and as they grew older, I always wanted Suzee to reflect the age and personality of whichever grandchild was listening to my story. As my kids grew to be around seven years old, they always asked for "funny" Suzee stories. For instance, one time Suzee went to the zoo with her parents.  She loved monkeys, so much so that she sneaked into their cage (which locked behind her!) and she spent the night with them.  Lo and behold, Suzee woke up with a monkey's tail growing on her "hiney!"  Such are the predicaments in which Suzee finds herself.  (I know you readers are thinking I am certifiable!!!)  But I gotta say, these kids love it and tons of laughter emerge!!!  As my older grandkids reach adolescence, they enjoy Suzee "mystery" stories or ones in which Suzee travels abroad.  All of them have learned to put on their "THINKING CAPS" before Grandma lets theses stories flow.  It is like "stream of consciousness" storytelling.  I would admit that sometimes, what comes out is totally nonsensical!!!  That's OK.  We all get a good laugh.  To model imagination, creativity is a gift all of us can give them, in our own, unique ways!

The picture above is one of my "Suzee Room."  I created this room after my daughter moved out to the dorm world.  I wanted my grandchildren to have a place where they could create, imagine, and play whatever they could dream to play!  On a wall that is not pictured, the bottom half is all chalk board.  They can write, draw on the wall to their hearts' delight.  There is a table, canvas, easel where the kids can finger paint, swirl shaving cream, or use acrylic paints on framed canvas.   A purple antique chest holds dress-up clothes for both boys and girls.  The girls do love to dress as princesses!!!  And, oh boy, do they love the little girl make-up kits!!!  Antique jewelry boxes hold garage sale jewelry, the gaudier, the better!!  Their paintings hang on the wall!!  I have eaten many meals that come from the Suzee kitchen!!!  And, incidentally, when more than one family comes to Grandma's house, it is nice to tell all the kids, "Stay in the Suzee Room!!!"  That order is gladly obeyed!!!

GRANDMA!! LOOK!!! COTTON CANDY IN THE SKY!!!!

Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is like (1) looking through a kaleidoscope; (2) a still-shot photograph; or (3) a picture taken while spinning on a merry-go-round!!!  Consciously crawling inside the heads of our kids is a trip!!!  We appreciate the the beauty that awes them!!!  They take time to enjoy a tiny lady bug!  And sometimes their little body's energy exhausts us as toddlers at a park run to swings, slides, and seesaws!  They are amazed at our world, exploring, discovering!


Understanding how kids think can be quite amusing.  Last year my daughter-in-law Carey asked me to pick  up Lauren and Carter after school.  I parked my jeep in the parking lot and walked with myriads of other parents to the entrance of the elementary school,  awaiting the flood of kids emerging from the doors at 2:50 pm!  The bell blared and the frontal attack opened up with screams, darting kids with oversized backpacks, and parents dodging bullets of children running with reckless abandon!  Carter was by my side within minutes, but I strained my eyes to get sight of my Lauren girl.  No where to be seen!  I asked Carter what color clothes she was wearing.  He thought she had on a purple top and jeans.  Minutes passed; they felt like hours.  The school houses over 300 kids so locating a 2nd grader with purple was like finding Waldo in a sea of blue and red!  As the crowd thinned out, I started to be somewhat concerned.  With Carter leading the way, we walked inside the school heading toward Lauren's classroom.  No Lauren.  As we walked back toward the exit doors, I spotted the office and thought I better ask the school secretary to page her over the sound system.  Over what seemed like a 100 square mile area the system blared:  "Will Lauren Olivia  please come to the office.....LAUREN OLIVIA!!!"   Within two minutes Lauren was by my side with her little friend Sophie.  "Lauren!  Where have you been!!!"  I then realized I had become panicked!  "Grandma," Lauren looked up at me with those mellow brown eyes, "Grandma, why did you have them call me on the loud speaker????!!!!!"  I recognized her embarrassment and shame.  "Darling, Grandma didn't know where you were.....I was worried!"  She entreated, "But, Grandma, I knew where I was!!!!"  That was it!  Why in the heck was I worried when she knew where she was all the while!!!  DUHHHHHHHH!  GO FIGURE!


ODE TO LIFE
Dedicated to Harper Sophia

I'm here, but oh what a rough trip it was!
Bumping and grinding through tunnels so dark
Final expulsion was untold relief...
The brightness was blinding!  Welcome! Good grief!

I grew rather quickly; my world enlarged
Mommy and Daddy their touch recognized.
I couldn't yet see them; Daddy's cologne
lulled me to sleep as the clock ticked and groaned.


My eyes now are focused, colors I see!
The world surely is a great place to be.
I look in the face of familiar family:
Mommy, Daddy, and Finley, age three.


As I grow bigger, it's so fun to touch
my fuzzy brown teddy bear I love so much!
I hate green beans, I'm not fond of squash.
Particularly I detest being washed!

But all in all, this is a great place to be!
Life, full of wonders:  touch, feel, hear, taste, see!
Just live as a child...the beauty unveils!
Don't scream at a mouse; gotta love that cute tail!




BABY'S COAT

Smudges from pursed lips on door glass...
Dimpled hands extended, patting window...
Wandering eyes happily focus on human form.
It's Daddy outside digging black dirt
Planting red geraniums in spring chillness!
Little one crawls with determined purpose toward chair,
Her hand reaches for pink hooded coat.
As an ant drags food to the nest,
So baby pulls her frock toward finger-printed glass
With glorious expectation!