3 PROVEN WAYS TO STAVE OFF THE AGING PROCESS

Probably 98% of my readers are over 40 years of age.  That doesn't make you old, but it does make you conscious of the fact that your time is running out......some time or another.  Not to be pessimistic, mind you, but  I'm all for being realistic.  For crying out loud, you are probably a grandparent, and your grandkids think you're ANCIENT!  But today you are in for a little secret of mine....I've done a lot of thinking about this aging stuff.  And guess what I have discovered totally on my own?   THREE PROVEN WAYS TO STAVE OFF THIS PROCESS!!  These are time-proven activities that I wish to share with you because they are so cotton-pickin' good!!!  (I guess I've never understood why picking cotton was such a great activity!!??!!)  Anyway, I promise you that if you read this whole entry your life will change or I will give you back your money you've spent on this blog!! 

VENTRILOQUISM

A few years back I found that my mouth was always getting me into trouble.  I would say things I didn't mean and I would mean things I didn't say, and often I would stop in the middle of a sentence forgetting which street  my next turn was!  I freaked out....."I'm losing my cognitive brain-tongue motor skills!!!" I told all my family.  They just shook their heads in mock bereavement!  I even went to the chiropracter for a session, explaining to him my brain was out of adjustment! 

But one night as I was tossing and turning, a light bulb twinkled brightly in the dark of the midnight hour.......my mouth could be controlled by keeping it shut!!!  And I would still be able to communicate if I became a ventriloquist!!!  This enlightenment would not leave me.  I began thinking back to the days of Edgar Bergen and his Charlie McCarthy.  Yes, that was the answer!!!  And an added benefit would be that my grandkids would love if there was a new addition to our family.......SUZEE!!!!

For a while, Suzee traveled in my suitcase whenever I'd travel to see the out-of-state grandchildren.  They would love her.  I devoured Edgar Bergen's book, Ventriloquism.  I daily practiced in front of the mirror, carefully crafting my words without moving my lips.  I was close to a pro....the key word being "close."  It was really hard saying "b's" and "m's" and "p's" and "w's." but, let me tell ya, I now know the secret of how to do it!  You'll just have to run to Borders and buy the book!!!  They may have heard of it.....I just couldn't understand why the Borders' salesman just gave me this blank stare when I, not moving my lips, asked him where the ventriloquism books were!!!

Since I've become a ventriloquist, I have fewer wrinkles around my mouth....I've cut off at least 5 years!!!!

 SWAHILI

Swalhili has saved my life.....and it can save your life, too!!  In fact, learning any new language will trigger those electrical paths in your brain to healthier neuron firing than you have ever before experienced!!!  I have been trying to learn French since I was in high school....let's see, that's only been 15 years ago....but I really haven't conquered the language.  Swahili, however, seems to be coming a little easier.  You see, it is an African language and my church has allowed me to teach ESL to some of the ladies from the Congo and surrounding countries.  I am gobbling it up!!  I love this, I love this, I love this!!!   My brain is working!!!  I'm feeling younger!!!!  My smile is brighter!!!

Jino lako ni nani?  Jina langu ni Grandma Barb.  Hababi za leo?  I know, you all are impressed!!!

PILATES

                                                      BEFORE

Our third step to stave off this dirty, nasty, depressing, skin falling around our ankles aging process is in keeping with the above two's philosophy of keeping our minds and bodies under control.  Good 'ole Joseph Pilates, a German, devised this exercise plan and I was determined I would conquer and divide!!!!  Joe told me from the grave the "contrology" was the complete co-ordination of body, mind, and spirit.  I was assured that by acquiring control over my body through his exercises would provide suppleness (what the hey is that?????), muscular power with corresponding endurance, good posture and alleviation of body strain.  To be honest with you, it sounded a little too good to be true.  But a determined senior citizen I am!!!  I would be my readers' role model for exercise and good health!!!!  May I leave you with proof positive of how Pilates will change your life!!!!!

BEFORE (don't get your neck out of place trying to twist to view gorgeous gramma!)



AFTER (condolences appreciated..pls comment below!!!)

 FYI:  Poor gramma is reading booklet "How to UNDO Pilates"



SAVE $$$$ IN EXTERMINATION FEES!!!!

DOES YOUR HOUSE HAVE ANY OF THESE?

Do you know that ants don't sleep?

Do you know that house flys' feet are 10 million times more sensitive than a human tongue?

And they find sugar with their feet?

Do you know that Mexican Jumping Beans, sometimes sold commercially, actually have a caterpillar of a bean moth inside?

Do you know that wasps feeding on fermenting juice have been known to get drunk and pass out?

Do you know that when the droppings of millions of cattle started ruining the land in

Australia, dung beetles were imported to reduce the problem?

Do you know that fleas can leap 800 times farther than their body length?

Do you know that courtship among Balloon Flies is dangerous because the female, when given the chance, will eat the male?  To keep HIS head and GET the girl, the male fly resorts to gift-giving, presenting the female with a small, balloon-shaped cocoon. Unwrapping the present keeps the female distracted, giving the male time to love her and then leave her!

If you have are bugged by your bugs, the Wild 'n Crazy Grandma has the answer for you.....

CALL IN THE GRANDKIDS!!!!  Buy some miniature flash lights and let them go!!!  They find great fun in searching through all the dust and yuck of your home's corners in search of those creepy crawlers!!!!  It'll keep the little monsters busy for hours.  "Grandma, I found

one here in your sugar bowl!!!"  (Oh great....now they Know I am really a BAD housekeeper!!!) And you can join in the fun!

Or you can allow the little monsters to terrorize you for cruel and inhumane treatment!!!
I HATE BUGS!!!!  AND MY EXTERMINATORS GOT RID OF ALL OF THEM IN MY HOUSE!

                                       

                                                                                                                                                      

FRUSTRATED TRYING TO BE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE???????

       

FRUIT ROLL-UPS

I am a fruit roll-up in this crazy life

oozing with people, problems and strife.

With tugs from small hands the roll-up expands --

corner to corner colors swirl bland.

Aunt Maude pulls at me with her need for money.

Uncle Claude reminds me my joke wasn't funny.

Utility bills cry out to be paid!

I'm stretched to my limits and I am afraid!! 

Fruit roll-ups are eaten and I'm gobbled up

with others' demands, expectations....ENOUGH!

Just roll me back, put the wax paper around

and place in the box where I'll never be found!!!

by Grandma Barb 10/22/10

OK, I'm good now.....I can breathe, yeah!!!  Ever have to let off some of that negative steam??

Actually, I about fell off my chair laughing at my last line!!! 

I DON'T WANT TO BE "THE APRIL POSTER GIRL" FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was April 25, 2010.  My beloved was gone for the weekend.....he flew to Arizona so he was a long, long ways away.  It was a Sunday morning and I was getting ready to drive my 30-minute drive to church.  I had baked blueberry muffins the night before for our Adult Bible Fellowship.  Everything felt normal to me.  I had had a good night of sleep....just happy as a lark!  As I was getting dressed, I felt a pressure tightening in my chest.  I had felt this before so I just blew it off.  But it was a more extensive pressure over my whole chest area which did seem a little unusual.  I was picking up Grandma Mo so I just thought, "If this doesn't go away I'll go to the emergency room after I drop off my muffins."  Isn't it the strangest phenomenon that we women always put FOOD FIRST?????  As I was in the garage approaching my jeep, the pressure went into my neck and throat.  NOW I AM TROUBLED!!  But I did not want to worry my mother so I picked her up and we started toward the four-lane highway.  Before long, I confessed to my mom what was going on, stopped the car, and asked her to drive.  I instructed her to continue on to church AS I HAD TO DELIVER THOSE PRECIOUS BLUEBERRY MUFFINS!!  The grimaced look she gave me was one of disbelief.  Within 1 minute we were turning around and heading straight for the emergency room. 

I was in the middle of a HEART ATTACK!!!  Now I want you all to know something....this wild 'n crazy grandma is the epitome, the embodiment of a woman who exercises five days a week, 30 minutes a day, eats RABBIT FOOD 24/7, and DOES ALL THE STINKIN' RIGHT THINGS!!!!

             CARDIAC REHAB "APRIL POSTER GIRL"


Guess what I realized?  The Wild 'n Crazy Grandma is not really in control of her life.  But it seems like I always strive to be the "Manager of the Universe."  My Lord, thankfully, is in control of my life and all happenings in this universe!  I praise Him for the peace and hope and courage He gives me.  

Have you ever heard of the little five-year old boy who was afraid of the dark?  One night he woke up and called for his daddy.  "Daddy, I am scared to be alone in the dark!"  His daddy hurried into his room and said, "Tommy, why are you afraid?  Don't you know that Jesus is with you and will take care of you??"  Tommy's eyes opened wide as he looked up in his daddy's face and he said, "Yes, Daddy, but I want Jesus with skin on!"

That is what my heart's desire is for my dozen grandchildren.  I want to be "Jesus with skin on" as I listen to what is important to each of them.   I desire to love them as Jesus loves them.  I want to be an example of Christ and His Word with every ounce of my being!!

WHO IS THIS GUY? ? ?

UN-NAMED SUSPECT HOLDING THE WILD 'N CRAZY GRANDMA'S CARTER DAVID

An age-reversed Amber Alert is being issued for the above man.  He has been known or identified with the following aliases:

1.  The Hand.   Grandchildren in Pennsylvania, Iowa, and Arizona have fear of "The Hand."  The Hand strikes to tickle and cause frenetic panic as children scatter to closets, under beds and behind bushes outside!  Squeals from the little girls, especially, shriek throughout homes in these states.  Grandboys, likewise, scatter as The Hand challenges their manhood.  In reality, child psychologists have diagnosed the resulting disorder of The Hand as "Subconscious Anticipation and Joy Upon the Arrival of the Aforementioned Phenomena."

2.  The Airport Suitcase Bandito.  This man has been identified in the Des Moines, Iowa Airport, the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Airport, the Washington D.C. Airport as the guy who races through the terminals pulling his suitcases with squealing, delighted children seated atop, holding on for their dear lives!  Screams of "Do it again, Grandpa, please!!!!" resonate throughout the corridors as other passengers look on with disgust or humored pleasure.  Airport security has his number and all airports are on the look for this guy!

3.  Hulk Hogan (?).  Well, this might be a stretch, but his Grandkids don't really care!  He has been known as the "peace of the house DISRUPTER!"  There are records of numerous police reports of frantic mothers and (yes, yours truly) grandmothers claiming this guy is a domestic problem.  He can work kids into a crazy tornado of bodies flailing, fingernails scratching, and teeth biting as they endeavor to overtake Hulk in the wrestling match of the century.  The Lord bless him, those kids do love him!!!

4.  The Guy with the Money.  A financial investigation is currently underway at various Chuckie Cheese's, McDonalds, Toys R Us,  Ben Franklin's and Casey's.  Records reveal that this guy pictured with Carter seems to spend an inordinate amount of  moolah at these various retailers.  (Interestingly, the parents of grandchildren are endeavoring to block this investigation as they, quite frankly, don't give a rip with his excessive spending.  They unabashedly confess they rather like it!)  This guy apparently has a severe psychological condition that canNOT say "No" to those sweet little voices imploring, "Please, Grandpa, please!!!!"

5.  The Love of My Life!!!.  Well, I gotta tell ya.....this guy's legal name is Bill, my husband of 40 years!!!  He is a godly man who loves the Lord, and I love him more today than I did 40 years ago.  I am so thankful for his help in the journey of grandparenting.  He is adored by all 12 of our kids for more reasons than I have just listed above.  Grandpa "Bill" is the greatest.