It is 7:15 pm in the evening. Darkness envelopes the landscape as the wind howls and hisses. Welcome thou FIRST BLIZZARD of the winter!! Do you love snowstorms, blizzards, and cold weather? For me, the delight is indoors, the fireplace glowing and warming the family room. And the ultimate: snuggled in a soft, fleece blanket in a comfy chair reading a good book!! In addition, all activity within the community comes to a dead halt. It is as if life whispers, "I need a break! I want a time-out!" Time, in a sense, stands still. I feel deliriously free! No commitments, no pressure!!! Ahhhhh......
My last entry concerned that frustrating reality of grandkids way across the world in Timbuktu! That has been a challenge. However, a greater challenge for all grandparents is the issue of divorce within the family, remarriage and step-grandchildren. Although our family is dealing with this, I feel that publicly discussing our particular situation would be unwise. And, quite frankly, everyone's situation is different, we are all unique individuals, and there is not one blanket answer. Nonetheless, there are lessons learned by traveling the journey. My journey has crystallized into several principles that may help grandmas in dealing with this culturally prevalent situation.
Prior to the divorce, do not openly express sides taken with either parent in front of the child. This temptation ensnares us into emotional turmoil, distorting the goal of grandparenting: being our grandchild's advocate in all of life's ups and downs.
It is unwise to cast negative light on either parent to the grandchild. Our kids love both Mommy and Daddy. Remember, they need both Mom and Dad. It is unfair to pull them into the "love this one and hate this other one" game.
If a child seems troubled or if he/she brings up the subject, talk to them, keeping their health and well-being foremost. It is important for them to express these emotions. Our goal is to LISTEN. Save the judgment - this damages them.
Be a SAFE HAVEN for your grandchildren going through their parent's divorce. Bring them to grandma and grandpa's house if possible. Do not say a word about the bad stuff. Let them revel in their childhood fantasies!
Give your grandchildren JOY and FUN when you have opportunities of time spent with them. We build happy memories by deliberately building the safe emotional environment of love and acceptance, no matter what they are going through. If a grandchild acts out while you have them, be forgiving, understanding the emotional discord these kids cannot identify. They honestly do not know what to do with all the "junk!"
After there is a second marriage. defer decisions for the grandchild to your son or daughter, not the step-dad/mom. This does not mean you ignore the new spouse. But discipline (according to Dr. Phil!!!) should be implemented by the birth parent.
It is extremely important to bond first with the new spouse. Accept, even with differences! It makes our grandparenting a heck of a lot easier.
Accept a step-grandchild as if she is your own. Embrace them affectionately (if they so permit).
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Keep in mind that it will take time to build a relationship with step-grandchildren. The key is "time spent." This takes effort, coupled with persistence!
Do not go on a guilt trip if the step-grandchild does not react as you envisioned. This is hard for them as well as you. And be prepared for the step-sisters or step-brothers (your natural grandchildren) to be jealous of the attention you give the step-grandchild. This may need to be a life lesson for your kids to turn away from selfish hoarding of your affections.
Well, I know this hasn't covered all issues here. But these are basic starters.from a lady who has been on the journey for 10 years. I can't claim any child development degrees or any psychological training. But I have "loved on" a dozen kids and I do think God teaches us by these experiences. God bless!
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