OUT OF GRANDMA'S MEMORY TREASURE CHEST!

When our family has get-togethers, we most always sit around the table and reminisce about past stories, nearly all of them humorous!!  I thought you might enjoy hearing some of these stories, involving "yours truly" and our four kids:  Jeremy, Matt, James, and Sarah.  Today, I thought I'd share two of these funny incidents.

"WHAT DO YOUUUU WANT??"

This incident occurred when our Matthew was in kindergarten.  In those days, our kids went half-days only.  Because I liked the kids to rest/nap in the afternoons, I always requested mornings.  So, this typical morning found me completing my normal chores when  I noticed the clock on the oven showed that it was 11:30. AM.  Matt walked home from school, and he always arrived at our front door at 11:45.  Whoa, it was time to get that little guy's lunch ready!  I decided to mix some tuna salad.  I grabbed the mayo from the fridge, opened a can of tuna, retrieved the bread and went to work.  Now, when I mix tuna salad, I always seem to stick my fingers in the mixture to "test" it to see if I have too much, too little mayonaise, pickles, etc.  And, yes, there may be an occasional lick here and there.  And that day I do remember that the can of tuna had a rather pungent odor.  About the time all of my  fingers had remnants of tuna salad and wreaking with "fish" smell, I heard his knock on the front door.  

For some reason, I just felt ornery.  I thought to myself, "I'm gonna have fun with my little guy!"  So I quietly ran to the front door (so he wouldn't hear me coming), crouched down to his eye level, grabbed the door knob with my fishy right fist , holding up my left hand like a monster.  Stealthily, I ominously cracked open the storm door about three inches, and in a raspy, monster voice, gurgled, "What do YOUUUUUUUUU want?"  Anticipating those ice blue eyes and  toothy grin on that cute freckled face, I was stopped short by the portly knee and blue skirt of a heavy-set woman in a business suit.  I slowly stood up to face Evelyn Winters, candidate for the U.S. Senate seat!!!!  I quickly blurted out, "Oh, I'm so sorry....I thought you were my little boy!"  She appeared to find NO humor in what just happened.  She pushed her candidate brochure in my hands, made an about-face, and practically ran to the next house.

Remember MOMS:  Things are not always as they appear!!!! 

THE WILD GRAMMA'S FUNNIEST NURSERY STORY

I was scheduled to work my first ever nursery shift.  When I arrived, I was told I would be workiing with the 3 and 4 year olds.  I walked into this adorable play fantasy land with gym equipment for kids, riding toys, building blocks of all differing sizes, tinker toys, Lincoln Logs, you name it!!!  By the time the church service started, there were two women and myself as the only adults in the room.  We had several boys and one little girl.  We began playing with the children, trying to get to know them and basically keeping them happy.  About 5 minutes later in pops a new couple visiting the church, dropping off their 3-yr old little boy, James.  The wife sweetly smiled and informed us that James would need to be taken "potty" in about 30 minutes.  Because I was the "newbie" on the block, I guess I have to admit that I really did desire to give the other church adults a favorable impression of my childcare expertise.  After all, I was a mother of four!!!


My eyes were glued on the wall school clock.  I wanted to be able to remember to take James on his potty mission without having to be told or asked.  After 30 minutes passed, I delivered my intentions to one of the women, and she, relieved I had offered, said, "Go for it girl!"  I grabbed James's hand and out we marched into the hall to the nursery's special bathroom for kids.  Now I beg you to keep in mind this one fact - the bathroom was a 5 ft.X 8 ft. room with one sink and one porcelain throne.  The toilet was a kids' toilet -- low to the ground, and just doggone cute.  The room was decorated with a kid's wallpaper border, really setting an atmosphere for serious potty training activities.  I began to help him unzip his trousers but he began resisting me.  I thought, "Ok, he is modest and wants to be left alone to do his duties."  So I asked him if he wanted to be by himself and he shook his head so I slipped into the hall as the door shut behind me and LOCKED.  Then I thought, "Oh, this is great!!!  I have a 3 yr. old in here and I am incapable of reaching him!!!"  I placed my ear against the door to listen for any sound of zippers sliding or pee-pee dribbling into water......NOTHING!  By this time, he unlocked the door and I quickly turned the knob before he had a chance to change his mind.  There he was:  in the exact position in which I left him.  I naively inquired:  "Did you go potty?"  He shook his head "yes."  I assured him he had not gone potty and proceeded to unzip his trousers, trying to pull them down.  Again, he resisted.   Assuming he understood my plan for him, I asked him again, "Can you do this by yourself?"  Ok, not too smart, I know, but I did not want to make this Custard's Last Stand.  So, here I was again, ear plastered to door, listening for any give-away audible indications he had done his job.  Finally, after deaf silence, I creeked open the door.  At last we had made progress!!!  He had his trousers down to the floor around his ankles!!!  Underpants, however, were still up around his waist, so I was thinking he had probably not gone potty YET.  I asked, this time STUPIDLY, "Did you go potty????????"  This time, however, much to my dismay, he shook his head, "YES!"  I squinted my eyes in disbelief and quietly, gently implored, "Did you go pee-pee in your pants???"  He just deer-stared down into his pants.  As I took a tiny step for man, but a giant leap for mankind I cautiously peered into the unknown depths.  What I saw ....  what I saw, well, let's just say it was NOT a Babe Ruth Candy Bar!


At this point, I realized I had a super-gigantic problem on my hands: 1) The inside of his legs had poo-poo designs plastered predominantly above the knee on both legs.  2)  His  shoes were solidly welded on each foot, with double knots in his shoe laces.  And 3) those slim trousers had to gingerly be guided off his legs before they looked like a car mechanic's tar-removing rag!  My militaristic authoritarian mind clicked into gear.  First bit of business was the hind side.  I ordered him to bend over while I rolled tons of toilet paper off the roll, and began damage control..  And also remember, I was gingerly trying to keep the boat from rocking as I certainly did not want that Babe Ruth to dislodge.  At the same time, my eyes looked up to envision a toilet stool with an above-the- toilet seat mountain of toilet paper.  "Oh, brother," I murmured, "I better remember  to throw most of that toilet paper in the trash before we have a real problem on our hands flushing that toilet."  I quickly moved back to my little guy and discovered that the Babe Ruth mass had smashed on the floor....OH NO!!!  By the time I recovered from that shock and swiped it off the floor, I could see out of my peripheral vision ....NO, COULD IT BE?  NO, JAMES, NO!!!!!!  By the time I was about to shout, that little booger  flushed the flusher.  I SIMPLY stood there.... in a TOTALLY catatonic state.  It was like I was in La, La Land....."and the floods rose up and up, and the Red Sea covered up the promised land!!!!" 

It took me 20-30 minutes to get the floor wiped and get poor little James cleaned up.  It was a mess!  We called in the custodian and he brought up a bucket and mop and helped us out while I got James ready for his parents.  Poor guy!!!  Needless to say, that first nursery experience was embarrasing for me.  After that day, I stipulated I would serve in the nursery only with babies under 1 year old!!!