WHAT ONE SHOULDN'T DO IN ARIZONA :(

A SOUTHWESTERN SHAKESPEAREAN TRAGEDY
A PLAY IN ONE CRUEL ACT

NARRATOR:  Oh hail, thou robust Carnegiea gigantea (or in words of wretched common men, thou bristly miniature saguaro cactus!)  How majestic thou art, with thy arms extending heavenward!  How beautiful, how sweetly innocent, how cute!

                          

                           

HOTTIE HUSBAND:  Come thou forward, crazy woman, my bride!!  Thou wild and crazy grandmother with whom I have born twelve towers of legacy!  WOMAN, helpest thou me move this weighty Carnegiea gigantea to elevated land where sun and warmth, moisture and vibrant winds shall replenish the life therein!  My BRIDE, thou must guardest with all thy might the very life of my joy, my 'wittle baby plant, my horticultural dream.  If thou allowest the least of harm, upon my life I promise thee retribution!
                        

THE SUBMISSIVE WIFE:  I beg thee, master, be patient with me!  My tender arms, my fleshly hands shall guard thy plant, thy eternal hope, thy baby, upon thy dolly!!!

(Aside to Audience) SUBMISSIVE WIFE:  Oh, help me, powers on high....I feel my strength has weakened.  I, standing here, am aging, youth has slipped by, and I have nothing but stretch marks on my womb, wrinkles on the forehead my beloved used to kiss!!!  Thy eyelids have so droooped that I cannot even see the beauty of the day.....WOE IS ME!  But, alas, I must garner my strength that I might steady my beloved's plant!

(Husband strongly places plant on dolly as the nervous, submissive wife dutifully guards with all her might, weak as it may be.......SUDDENLY, plant begins to jiggle and wobble, about to FALL TO DESTRUCTION!  Wife does what should NEVER be done in Arizona!!!!!!

EPILOGUE:  THE SUBMISSIVE WIFE, IN HER SENSE OF DUTY, IS FEELING THE WEIGHT OF HER SUBMISSION EVERY TIME SHE USES HER LEFT HAND.  BUT, THAT SACRIFICE IS WORTH PROVING HER LOVE TO HER BELOVED!

GOOGLING HAS HELPED THE SUBMISSIVE WIFE LEARN THAT USING DUCT TAPE OR WAX WILL PULL OUT THE NEEDLES THAT HAVE EMBEDDED HER SUBMISSIVE HAND.

******************************************************************************************* 

THUS, THIS PLAY, THIS TRAGEDY OF ALL TRAGEDIES, HAS COME TO ITS CLOSE.

LET US PAY TRIBUTE TO THE WILD 'N CRAZY GRANDMA FOR THIS SACRIFICE!