(This event ACTUALLY occured in time and space.
The writer of this blog never needs to go to her own "dream spot."
Inspiration for posts just "happens" to this pathetic victim.)
"On Tuesday, May 3, 2011, the honorable Duchess of Wrigleysville was arrested for disorderly conduct on public property at the Marriott Conference Center in Racine, Wisconsin. The Duchess has been incarcerated in the Racine City Jail's holding cell. " Quote from the The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.
(County Mug Shots courtesy of the Racine Police Department)
Those words, my fellow graveling, gorging, global grammas, have been the nemesis of my soul for this whole week.
Do you have any interest in the account of what happened? It doesn't matter, because you're getting the scoop whether you want or not.
Picture the morning: It is Tuesday and Wrigley and I have been "holed" up (my choice, btw) in the hotel room for three straight days while Mr. Bigshot is conducting meetings in a nearby town. We are getting ready to check out, move dog food to the car, haul a crate to same vehicle, not to mention all my stuff. I am dressed "to the nine's" for an important celebratory event at my beloved's institution. So, of course, I'm late and the maid is becoming an annoyance.
For the third time, she bangs on my door letting me know check-out was 20 minutes earlier. I walk to the door, still chained, and open a creak to whisper, "I'll be out in just a few!" As soon as my words leave my mouth I spot movement in my periphery vision of a blenheim spot moving down the hall. THE DUCHESS OF WRIGLESVILLE HAS ESCAPED!!
Do you realize how many hallways are in the Racine Conference Center???? It is a maze of hundreds of rooms and corresponding hallways. And I swear the Duchess is not only "lightning" fast, but she has earned a PHD in geometry!! Her determined defiance enabled her to split off at precise angles in which my 62-year old body was incapable of twisting. I have provided a diagram of what this looked like for 20 MINUTES! I am represented by the RED arrow, the Duchess by the BLUE:
I was chasing, and chasing, and chasing. I became dizzy as I was running and turning corners. Seriously, I had no idea where I was at certain points in this menagerie. At one point, armpits "pitted out," I found myself in the hotel LOBBY, for goodness sake. I was panting, "Please help me catch her!" to blurred humans I passed. THEY DIDN'T EVEN ACT LIKE THEY CARED!!! What is this world coming to? (This dark question is still haunting me and feeding my depression!)
After passing the lobby, the dog (all endearments are temporarily inactive) bolted in a corridor. My brilliant creativity kicked in. SHUT HALLWAY DOOR and contain her. A divine moment, a glimpse of a bygone dog training book showed up in my memory bank. "When these situations occur, lie down and play dead!!"
I dropped to the ground, spread eagle as if my heart DID truly give out, squinting to see 50 feet ahead of me. THE DOG took one look, turned 180 degrees and pranced down to check out another pathway. I realized this was not working, and just as if my life were passing before me, I reached the path of acceptance: "I am gonna lose my canine love interest."
That's it, girls. I finally lured her into the pop machine room with treats I frantically found in my room. I grabbed her right there and haven't talked baby talk to her since.
I wish this was a made-up part of the story. But I have ACTUALLY been in tears over this experience......FOR REAL!!!!
My final psychiatric evaluation is this week.
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